Asking & Rejection: 3 Cheers For “NO”

“If you aren’t getting rejected on a daily basis than your goals aren’t big enough” Chris Dixon

Miracles can come from rejection. It is no secret in my family that my mother’s body rejected an implanted IUD (Intrauterine Device) put there to prevent any more pregnancies, and yet, here I am. Miracle! Well, that’s debatable. My point is that in rejection amazing things can happen. And it depends heavily on one’s perspective.

I believe that one of the most significant hurdles we face in living a successful life is dealing with the human mind. Understanding our brain and how it influences our reality is no easy feat. However, if we put in the time and create greater awareness, we may better understand our story – the story that directs our thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, values, behaviours and our overall well-being.

The story we tell ourselves. I am not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not good looking enough. I’m not rich enough. I’m not brave enough. I’m not courageous enough. I’m not cool enough. I’m not healthy enough. I’m not real enough. Such stories will most likely resonate true. They will be reflected in the reality of our existence. I for one still have such stories infect my mind yet am now more aware and in better control.

We need to be the gatekeeper of the mind and the storyteller of our lives. We must act as an eraser when the story is not conducive to living the life we desire.

If you know you’re ‘Why’ there are two skills that I feel are relevant. One is having the confidence in asking for what we want in life, and the other is having the ability to handle rejection. These two skills will allow us to continue in a forward momentum rather than becoming complacent, stagnant or receding. Essentially rejecting the story of the mind as it relates to the actual experiences we have in life.

“A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success”. Bo Bennett

No matter the rejection we have a choice. We can use it as further evidence of what we already know and believe or we can reject it. Receiving it on face value and seeking the higher truth. Not intwining rejection as our personal story but instead using the lessons learnt to guide with purpose, the story and life we are trying to create.

Here is an activity. Take out a piece of paper and write down 5 or 10 things you really want in life but have avoided asking for to date. Yours may include, asking for a promotion, a pay rise, a girl on a date, asking for a sale, or someone for some help. Write down whatever first comes to mind. Keep writing until you have expelled them all from current thought. You may have more than five, you may not, it doesn’t matter.

Now you have your list, look it over and number the most important as 1. Continue in order of importance until the one of least concern is marked with the highest number. Now focus on the top desire. Make a plan and execute. Give yourself no excuses. Do not procrastinate. And most critically, when you find yourself negotiating with the mind as to why you shouldn’t ask for it, this time try your very hardest not to let it win.

If you tend to procrastinate, that’s ok, this is why a having a plan is beneficial. Don’t set the start date too far in the future. The best time to act is at the earliest opportunity. Time allows the mind to talk ourselves out of action. Many of us start new goals on new years day. In my experience, it’s probably is the worse time to do anything. There are too many things going on. Distractions and obstacles a rife. If you want to start something or change something the best time is now, or the nearest time to this moment as possible.

Usually, with procrastination, especially on the things that mean the most to you, which I assume is the number one thing from the list you created, it is better just to get it done. As Brian Tracy highlights very well in his book Eat That Frog! Start every day with the most challenging and more important task. From there everything else is a breeze.

My review of Eat That Frog found here.

So why do we avoid asking? Fear! Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of embracement, fear of loss, fear of death, fear of not knowing, fear of not enough. On the same list that you’ve created, write down any concerns you associate with each desire. In doing so, you will be able to bring to a higher level of consciousness anything that is stopping you from asking.

Next to the fears, in a separate column, write down the cost or lost an opportunity, if you don’t ask and act. This is important. The truth is that the value of not asking and missing out is likely more real than any fear that’s holding you back.

If you don’t ask for that time off you will probably miss out on going to that event. If you don’t ask for that promotion, the other guy may get it. If you don’t ask for the front seat, near the window overlooking the water, you may just get the seat in the dark back corner. If you don’t ask that girl out for a date, it will eat away at you, become an obsession, and no doubt lead to a waste of thought and energy.

When we get in the habit of asking we will build a tolerance up in regards to our fears and asking will become a skill. Start off today with three things you are going to ask for, and go for it. What is there to lose? There is only everything to gain. And then tomorrow you’ll be in a better position to ask for three more things. It is not about greed but instead just about taking care of oneself. And practice makes perfect.

If we don’t ask for what we desire in life, we may suffer from regret. If you ask and the answer you want is not met, there is no failure or shame, only lessons from experience. These learning will help you alter your strategy or approach moving forward. And you may just be surprised by how much you will receive by merely taking the courage and asking.

Do not go into a situation with a story in your head that you are going to get a ‘NO’. Go into it positively and with the exact outcome you desire. It has been proven that having a positive mindset is more likely to conclude with the desired result. A negative focus will probably get the wrong outcome.

Doubt will also lead to less confidence in asking and this will not be ideal. However, practice will build faith and doubt can be overcome by some positive self-talk and affirmation. Even visualising the results, you desire can benefit the situation.

What is the cost of rejection? Why, if the answer we receive is ‘no’ are we any worse off? From the research, I’ve come across and the evidence I’ve gained in personal experience, rejection does not alter the course of our life or change the quality of life we can live. All that we may suffer is regret. So go out there and ask.

If you ask for the pay raise and get a no, then nothing changes. If you ask for a discount for the car service and get a no, you’ve lost nothing. If that girl says no to you, rest assured, if you hadn’t asked you certainly wouldn’t be going on a date. But what if in each of these situations you received a yes? How good will it feel?

So when it comes to asking a question for something, anything you want or desire go out there and do it. Do not say to yourself a story that you cannot or will not get it. Do not tell yourself you are not good enough. Do not let the fear of rejection stop you. And importantly do not take rejection personally.

Whenever we get a ‘no’ as the answer, there is a lesson and a new opportunity just around the corner. Keep asking and keep moving forward. Get out there and start asking for what you want. Face the possibility of rejection as a game. Have some fun. Successful people ask for what they want in life and probably thrive on rejection.