Why Was My Friend SO Happy With Life? What Was His Secret?

I was feeling dissatisfied with my life. I wasn’t really aware of this at the time. I felt normal. I held the belief that this is how life was. I kept telling myself that things will improve thinking that perhaps I was just in a rut. However, all of this wasn’t really helping me and I wasn’t experiencing any noticeable changes.

Days, months and years passed. I felt quite the same – dissatisfied! I wasn’t really angry or pissed off. I didn’t think it was only my life that sucked. I wasn’t a victim of life. I knew I wasn’t alone but I couldn’t really see that. I was trapped in my own suffering and this was limiting my externally held perspectives. It was limiting the quality of my life.

I couldn’t see the fruit through the leaves. Actually, at the time I wasn’t sure there was any fruit.I kept thinking that if I had more money or a better job that then I would start feeling better about my experience in life. The old case of “if… this, then… that.” A belief I am sure we are taught and conditioned to believe from a very young age. I think it’s a message that is designed to give us hope that things will get better yet as I discovered this path seems never-ending.

I got the house, the job, the money, the girl, the car, the investment property, the holidays, the new job, the promotion, the bigger TV, the nicer car. I even found myself moving from one location to another. I was desperate to find “this” so that I could become “that.” At the time I had no idea what “that” was. In hindsight, I guess it was a search for satisfaction or at the very best less dissatisfaction.

Nothing changed. If anything life became more displeasing as I began to wake up to the flawed model that so many of us live by. I began to realize that waiting on this or that to start really enjoying my life was a fucking ridiculous concept. It made less and less sense.

If you looked at my life from an external perspective, you wouldn’t have seen a life that could possibly be dissatisfying. I had it all. But did I? There is always more to be had yet I certainly wasn’t without.

I feel this is a part of the problem. We look externally to define our lives. If we see our neighbors, friends, colleagues living with everything society teaches us to do, have and desire we perceive that their quality of life must be great. How could it not be, right? “Jimmy just got a pay rise and now he’s booked a holiday and getting an extension on his house. He’s laughing! He’s living the dream!”

External search to seek validation for our own quality of life, for our own satisfaction is cause for an ever expanding case of “if… this, then… that.” We think to ourselves that when we get the promotion we too will be able to finally take that holiday to Europe. And if we do, things feel good for a while until we find life’s dissatisfaction slowly creeping back. “Okay, what’s next?” “What’s Jimmy up to?”

This is how my life was. In constant chase of something, that next best thing, to take me out of this rut. The problem was that my dissatisfaction wasn’t a rut – it was a constant reality. I felt hollow, empty and as if something from my life was lacking yet I couldn’t put my finger on it.

That is about the time I began to do some internal investigation work. I started to ask questions. What is this all for? Does this really matter? How is this necessary? Do I really want to do this? Do I really need that? Will this make a difference? Is my dissatisfaction self-caused? Am I being unreasonable? What is life all about? What’s the purpose of life? What’s my purpose?

This leads me to the ultimate question, “Why?” To me, it is the most powerful word in my vocabulary. When applied to everything I think, say and do it generates a profound level of awareness, it changes perspectives and for this reason has been the most instrumental tool in my personal transformation.

It has taken me from living a dissatisfied life to a satisfied one. And the amazing thing is that nothing required change other than my perspective that shifted thanks to this amazing word, “Why.”

Andy Andrews in his book The Little Things, who I should add is also a fan of this word – “why,” said this about perspective, “Perspective is the only thing that can dramatically change the results without changing any of the facts.” When we start asking “why” how we see the world begins to transform and that will have a profound impact on the quality of our life.

Now, things didn’t change immediately. Progress takes time. I was however committed to figuring out life because living a dissatisfied existence didn’t make any sense.

I started to think that perhaps I didn’t need more of anything – achievements, possessions, status, money, time, love or any number of other things we use as the scapegoat to our dissatisfaction or a mask to our pain. Yes, they can be important but what did they all mean? And why, in chasing after them, did I believe they would improve my discontent with life, especially considering that they are ever expanding. Why?

I began to wonder, what is it that I truly want. I knew the “if… this, then… that,” model was flawed but I wasn’t sure why. Surely having more money would allow us to do more things and that could only be good for our satisfaction, right?

That’s when I made the realization that life is not about what we do, what we have or even who we are, it’s about how we are! Life is about our state of being. How do you truly want to be? How did I really want to be?

And then it clicked, if I wasn’t aware of how I truly wanted to be in life then all that stuff, the chasing, the cars, the money, the job, the need to define myself by external measures, won’t account for shit. Just because Jimmy is doing well with his house extension and holidays, is that really what I want? And from an external standpoint perspectives can be limited. Is Jimmy really as satisfied with his life as I think he is?

So what was it? How did I really want to be? What was important to me? I think these are essential questions for anyone to ask if they wish to seek more purpose, meaning, and satisfaction in life.

I began to look at the lives of others. Were these people really all that satisfied? Was what they did and had conducive to a positive state of being? Were their achievements really adding value to the quality of their life? Or, like me, was most of this stuff just a cover for how they really felt about life, dissatisfied and empty? Are we all just trying to fill a void?

Then I ran into an old school friend. As life has its course over the years we drifted apart. The beauty of true friendships and relationships is that the deep bonds live forever. As soon as we caught up we connected immediately like it was yesterday.

He looked happy. I told him that. I said, “Man, you look really happy! How’s life?”

He smiled as I said this and responded, “Life’s great! It’s certainly got its challenges but in for most of the time, I feel really good. I can’t complain. I’m really happy.”

He then asked me, “What about yourself?”

I probably wasn’t entirely transparent. I may have buttered up my story a little but I said, “Recently I’ve felt a little dissatisfied with my life and am not really that sure why. I’m not depressed as such, and I’ve got many things to be grateful for but something feels amiss.”

And then I asked him, “What’s your secret?”

I could see he was humbled by my question. He paused for a moment to think before responding. “I am not sure it’s a secret, I’ve just set my life up in a way that’s aligned with what’s truly important to me. I do what I’m passionate about because that keeps me motivated and happy and I try to be as purposeful as possible, doing only what is necessary. I’m certainly not perfect but I have a large amount of freedom, fulfillment and ultimately happiness in my life. I think that is how we all truly desire to be.”

I reflected on this conversation for some time. I still do! Freedom, fulfillment, and happiness. That’s how we all wish to be in life. There are many paths to get there and for each of us, they will be different. When we are internally aligned with what’s important to us, our “why,” not guided by external expectation, we will find the journey is an amazing one. As my friend said, “A journey that is filled with passion and purpose.”