You don’t need to know the details of what I’ve done but I am here to tell you that I have slightly fucked up. I have before and I likely will again. When it happens the feeling is fucking awful! I feel like curling up in a ball and dying yet even that seems impossible. My mind is running at a million miles and I can’t do anything. I wonder how I can right my wrong.

I would love to cry! Instead I fester up what could possibly happen with what I’ve done. I think about the worse possible scenarios and that just makes the feeling worse. I am dead! That’s it! I have fucked up once again. I live and learn but sometimes I wonder if I indeed ever do. Hmmm… what will happen next!

The next best thing to do is not to do stupid shit. Easier said then after the act has already been committed. The next best thing to do is think logically however that seems to make this pain worse. So where to next?

This is my first policy – always be honest. I have had to many throw backs from past experience where I tried to cover the fact. This just ended in me eating my shorts. Honesty admits and respects the fact that I’ve done wrong. I wonder sometimes if its just a means to making me feel better about the wrong by sharing the burden or if it is actually protecting the other from any further hurt that may eventuate from my mistake.

Have you read Arnolds Schwarzenegger Bio? He opens up about is secret affair that he had with his maid. For 14 years he covered it up. He had a child to the women and didn’t realise it until several years after the birth. Why didn’t he say anything? Because he didn’t know how to – the conditioning that occurs in all of us as we develop. Arnold states that holding secrets seems to work for him in life, they don’t for me and I really believe this one didn’t work for him.

After 14 years it came back to his wife and caused an immediate separation and subsequent divorce. The pain of this experience from everyone involved I would assume would have been greater than if it was dealt with back when the event actually occurred. Either way things level out and Arnold is still moving forward greatly in life as he always has done. Do I judge him? No! People do stupid shit – as I well and truly know.

Either way, hurt will be experienced by all parties concerned yet may be lessened with the honest approach. The idea of making someone else experience pain from my stupidity makes me want to cry further! If it were just me and no one else, I can deal with that but when others are involved – that is the evil. I need to clear my conscience and as selfish as that might be that means sharing it openly and honestly.

If the pain has already been caused, then honesty will allow the doors to be opened to healing. Dishonesty will keep thoughts, emotions and the trauma enclosed, trapped. This will not encourage or allow any healing.

If nothing happens as consequence from the wrong then so be it, I would rather my mind be free. Again, in fighting emotions do we only continue them and the attachment to them rather then letting them pass. I was always told to avoid a fight. A fight with your emotion will only intensify it – try walk away. The thought of sharing my trouble may open new eyes and perspectives and maybe even opportunities to discover the truth behind what has been done.

Sometimes honesty may appear to ignite further pain and trouble but sometimes I feel this is the universes way of allowing all emotions to be put on the table so that we can be released from them. I also know in experience that attachment to any emotion is a sure way not to proceed. An open and honest consciousness allows for an open and honest life and I believe in this act we live more freely. We are all lost without honesty.

The next best thing is to assess the situation for the facts. Once you realise the facts and how they might make impact you and others you can then understand how best to deal with them. Often the situation will feel much more serious than it is but when you really dig in and assess the facts, its never that bad. In my current situation, while not good at all, I feel a little more relaxed that after the initial assessment.

I also recommend trying to rest or calm the mind by mediation, sleep or another practice before an assessment is made. Sometimes in the heat of a situation our minds are unable to think clearly – this will affect how then we handle the situation. Take time out and remove yourself from the environment.

If you have killed someone it may be hard to get comfort from the facts but the truth is that most situations like the one that I now face don’t have life and death consequences. This being the fact what is the worse that could happen considering death as the worse. Life will go on, it has to, and things will level themselves out, they always do.

The issue I face is the ‘what if’ questions. What if other people find out? What if I am exposed? What will be the consequence then? What if… what if… what if…

We face these questions in situations that we have acted wrong or inappropriately. Actually we face these in many aspects of life. In my journey of discovery, I have realised that these questions often linger without eventuality – 90% of the time they never come about. They only hinder our ability to progress, not assist. In situations of stupidity the same rule applies.

The way I have learnt to deal with the ‘what if’ question is to simply avoid the thought. If it comes about I have to tell myself and reinforce that nothing is true unless it exists and existence is a mere perception. I then allow that thought to dissipate, knowing that if a ‘what if’ problem should rise later I will deal with it at the point. The ‘what ifs’ in life take us away from living in the moment which is not at all what life is about.

In summary, I fucked up! I have to deal with it. I wish only to share this with my audience to give insight into how I deal with these situations. Actually, reading over it, it makes me appear like the expert in fucking-up! Sometimes I feel like I am but I know we all have these moments. If you can use this to help you deal with your next idiotic event let me know by leaving your comment below.

I learn from my mistakes, sometimes not as quick as I like. This is life – a continual progression of one’s improvement and self-mastery. This is one account of my experience.