Manage Your Emotions: If Only First We Seek To Understand

“Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.” Stephen Covey

I was riding my scooter the other day delivering some pamphlets, wow! Riveting topic. For those of you that don’t know I am a real estate agent and please don’t hold that against me. Apparently real estate agents ranked as a less trustworthy profession than prostitution, CEO’s and even car salesman. Well I certainly don’t judge any of those professions and certainly only aim to do my part to improve this result. Shame on us all!

So in my week I deliver pamphlets to promote business and myself. It takes about 4 hours to complete delivery to my area and can be quite enjoyable on a nice sunny days listening to hours of podcasts and I know for sure that my stuff is getting in those letterboxes.

The other day I got stopped. What a surprise it was. I was heading up a smallish incline stopping at each letterbox on the way and I noticed this man standing on the path further up the hill. I immediately thought that perhaps he doesn’t like getting my stuff, than I took it as an opportunity, perhaps he was looking to sell.

Well he stopped me, I probably could have simply dodged him but instead I slowed and stopped, turning my podcast on pause. He was a big man and with out sounding offensive he was certainly not someone you would like to hit on your scooter and equally someone I could have gotten away from with some ease. He was clearly upset.

I sat and listened as he fumbled and told me his problems. He had mixed emotions I could tell. He was angry, sad, and nervous and there was an essence of happiness to him as I since he felt what he was doing was the Good Samaritan thing to do.

He felt I was going to fast up and down the street and being that in this street lives many families and children, he thought I was putting at risk the lives of these kids and that if I kept it up I may kill someone at some stage. This was his biggest gripe. He also said every time I slowed at a letterbox and sped up again I was damaging the lawn.

To be honest I was surprised and a little baffled. But without starting some kind of Japanese wrestling match with this man I listened, apologised and wished him a nice day. He didn’t seem too happy with my response. I apologised again, and still he didn’t seem too happy with my response.

He than went on further and threatened me. He told me he would record me on video next time and report me. I sad sorry again and wished him a nice day. He wasn’t too happy with this response. He then told me if he catches me again going so fast in the street he would run me over himself in his car. Again I apologised and wished him a nice day. He was not happy but I was off.

I thought on this for a while and I actually truth be told found it rather amusing. I checked my speed from one box to the next and the maximum I would reach would be 10 kilometres per hour, maybe 15 on a downhill. It was also the 12 noon on a school day so there were not too many children about, actually with exception to this man I saw no one else at all on the paths that day. I had to laugh, as it was pretty bloody funny. And to top that he threatens to run me over in his car that I guess would certainly put a stop to the risk of me running of some kid. I went on delivering my pamphlets that day as I do.

Now despite all this and the hilarity of it all I had to stop and really take a side step. It was easy for me to find fault in his accusations. It would have been easy for me to get offended or even responded in a more aggressive non-agreeable tone. It would be easy for me to say “what a fat wanker”. Equally I could have dwelled on it for longer, letting it get to me as I think up all the things I should have said or all the things I could do or say in revenge.

Instead I sought to understand. This is powerful and is something I have learnt to do know every time I come across a disagreement or confrontation in life. Every time I see something that upsets me, every time I am in a disagreement with someone, every time an argument seems to lurk near, I try to seek first to understand and by doing so I wish to be more easily understood.

It is so easy for us to take on these negative emotions exerted on to us from another and our natural way to respond is often with the same poison.

If someone is already poisoned then by feeding them more poison will not heal them but rather only assist to kill him or her faster.

I could have started something with all this but I have to remove myself from his emotional grounds. I need to think creatively and logically about how to better handle this situation to allow him to heal and for me to move on without the burden or weight of further emotional entanglement of suffering myself.

So I seek to understand. Was what I was doing wrong? At first I don’t think so however from another’s view absolutely yes. He had genuine concern for the population of his street and obvious pride in the quality of his lawn.

Do I need to agree with his view, no absolutely not, but can I understand it, yes its best to try to. Perhaps I do drive to fast and perhaps I do damage the lawns by stopping and starting so rapidly. So this frustration of his I understand.

In furthering my understanding I have to try vision into what he was going through himself that day. He was clearly angry, sad and to me simply not happy with the world. This is only my perception of the situation and perhaps it simply came across in this sense because he was nervous or did not know how to approach me with regards to his frustrations.

Yet what if he had lost someone close to him that day, perhaps he had lost a child to a car accident at some point in time. That would certainly create appreciation for his decision to act as he did.

Perhaps he just lost a job or maybe his wife or girlfriend had just left him. Or maybe he just had one of those mornings where he got out of the wrong side of the bed. Hot water in the shower didn’t work, burnt his toast, spilt coffee on himself, car wouldn’t start for him, whatever. The point his he may be suffering in ways that I perhaps may never know but it is clear that whatever his suffering it is this that caused him to act as he did.

Does that give him the right to act like that? Absolutely not! Does that give him or anyone for that matter the freedom to be aggressive towards others in this life? No! To be truthful the behaviour is non excusable nor is it favourable in getting desirable outcomes. Yet I do seek to understand.

When we encounter such situations I find it beneficial for us to seek to understand first. When we do this we allow ourselves to calm and then respond appropriately with out such heightened emotions. We also allow ourselves a chance to clear our own mind to move on from such situations.

We do not need to accept or agree entirely on the others position. By practicing in this way we do create pathways forward and a broader overall acceptance for what is and all that challenges us in life without being emotionally connected with the situation. This allows us to enjoy the journey of life with much greater satisfaction than perhaps if we simple avoided our ability to understand.

I wrote to this man a thank you card. Here is what I said.

“Dear Mark, thank you for contacting us the other day regarding our delivery driver going to fast in your street. We appreciate your concern for everyone in your street and want to sincerely apologise for the stress it has caused you. Our driver will make sure he drives at a more pleasing pace for all deliveries in the future. Our apologies once again, and thank you for bringing it to our attention. We wish you all the best and happiness.
Regards
Leigh.

So next time someone upsets you or reacts poorly towards you try to seek first to understand. Next time someone cuts you off in traffic, try to steal from you, lie or cheats you, hurts you, seek first to understand. This will lead you on a path in this life with much greater peace and happiness, I am sure. You to will be better understood in the process.

Would love your thoughts, please leave your comments below. Peace, passion and purpose…